As I travel further and further, venturing into the areas where my fellow Vietnameses would normally avoid at all cost, I find myself to be the first Vietnamese many have ever met. People tend to ask me a lot of questions about Vietnam, and it surprises me a great deal how little people know about Vietnam other than just the war. Many also tend to associate my erratic and annoying behaviors with a typical Vietnamese. Fortunately (as many Vietnamese might think), I’m nowhere close to what they think as typical. To avoid wrong impressions and save myself from repetition, I’m trying my best to provide un-biased answers to some of the most asked questions about Vietnam. Feel free to ask if you have any other question.

What is Vietnam?

It’s a country, NOT a city in China or Europe (Vienna).

Where is Vietnam?

Vietnam is located in Southeast Asia, bordered by China to the north, Laos to the northwest, Cambodia to the southwest, and the Southeast Asia Sea (formerly South China Sea), referred to as East Sea to the east.

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How big is Vietnam?

In term of area, we are the 65th biggest country in the world. But don’t let it fool you. In term of population, we are the 13th largest in the world with 90 millions people.

Do I speak Chinese?

I look like Chinese, I don’t have to speak Chinese. If I meet a Chinese, he’ll probably just assume that I’m a retarded kid who’s unable to speak and be nice to me.

It amuses, and sometimes annoys me when people know that I’m from Vietnam but still try out all sorts of words they’ve picked up from their travel elsewhere in Asia: Ni hao, Sawasdee, Konnichiwa, etc. Guys, even though all Asians look the same, we DON’T speak the same language! Vietnamese is different from Chinese, Chinese is different from Thai, Japanese is different from Korean, etc. I find it offensive when people assume that people speak Chinese in Vietnam. Despite 1000 years under the domination of China, our ancestors managed to keep our own language, and I’m proud of it.

How do people in Vietnam look?

They look like me: short, dark chinky eyes, small noses, dark hair, colored skin. Vietnamese girls are stunning. Vietnamese guys are, uhmm, asian.

A friend once asked me if I’m considered beautiful in Vietnamese standard, and I couldn’t answer it? Am I?

Am I from North Vietnam or South Vietnam?

If you are thinking of North Korea and South Korea, you probably haven’t read news since 1975. There is no war in my country and there is only one Vietnam! If you want to know my hometown, I was born in a small town in Nam Dinh, Northeast of Vietnam.

Is Vietnam a communist country?

Yes. It’s Socialist Republic of Vietnam.

Am I communist?

Ha, it depends on how you define “communist”. I generally like sharing things. But if I had a choice, I’d prefer being a dictator.

Do I hate Americans?

Personally, I do. But generally, Vietnameses love Americans. Americans in particular and Caucasians in general are treated like kings in Vietnam. They get paid 5 times higher doing the same job. There have been an endless number of articles about how foreigners receive much better services in Vietnam.

There is no trace of war in Vietnam nowadays, mind you. 60% Vietnamese population were born after the war had ended, and economic opportunities with America are the best conciliation.

Are people in Vietnam rich?

Some are. Even though Vietnam is one of the fastest growing economies in the world in the past decade, it is still a third world country with 10.6% of the population lives under the poverty line ($1/day). Vietnam’s nominal GDP per capita of $1,060, which means an average person makes like $1000/year (not month). There is no such thing as per hour wage because it’s too minimal to mention. So yes, I’m poor!

But like any other developing country, there is a huge gap between rich and poor people. There is a group of young Vietnamese who studied overseas and work for MNC who make 10, 20 times as much as their domestically educated counterparts. Because Vietnam has just opened its door to the world, there are a lot of opportunities to make money there.

Do people in Vietnam travel?

Due to the lack of finance and difficult visa policies, people in Vietnam don’t travel overseas that much. If they do, they normally choose Southeast Asian countries (free 30 day visa), or Europe and America (so that they can spend their money faster). I’m really not Vietnamese in this case. I once met an American who has been in Vietnam. He was shocked to believe that I’m from Vietnam: “Can’t believe that I’ll live to see a Vietnamese backpacker!”

Is Vietnam good to travel?

Yes, definitely!

Vietnam is a long and narrow country. It is only 50 kilometers wide (east to west) at the narrowest point, but 1,650 kilometers long (north to south). Half of Vietnam’s border is coastline, giving us an amazing coastline of 3,260 kilometers with a lot of islands. Nowhere is too far away from the beach. Fish and other seafood are almost staple food in every household. Go to Vietnam and you’ll have the most awesome seafood treat at an amazingly cheap price.

If you love fishing, Vietnam is the place to be. There is squid fishing in Ha Long bay: you hop on a cruise boat and go for an overnight trip into the sea, fish for squid with bamboo rods using unique techniques, then come back with squid salad in the morning. Or if you are in group, you can rent a boat and go fishing yourself. The boat comes with a cook and a captain. They will take you to a place where the fish are really stupid. The cook will cook and serve the fish you catch right on the boat. There are swimmers who swim around with a bucket full of different kinds of seafood. If you want something, you can just call out to them and they will swim to your boat to sell you things.

You can also do sandboarding in Vietnam. Unlike sandboarding in Egypt or other countries where you have to venture deep into the dessert under the burning hot, the sand dunes in Vietnam are very close to the beach. You can roll yourself in the sand and jump into blue water right after that. Windsurfing and kitesurfing are also very popular.

As the country stretches through 16 latitudes with virgin jungles, mountain ranges and beaches, Vietnam is ranked 16th in biological diversity. Everything changes as you travel from North to South and vice versa: the climate, the nature, the food, the people. In the North, we have four season a year with a short winter while in the South, we only have two seasons: the raining season and dry season. People in different regions eat different food, making Vietnam one of the countries with the most diverse cuisine. The people are also different from North to South, with people in the South are understood to be much more open-minded, people in North are more traditional, elegant while people in the Central are known for bravery and diligence. Even though we speak the same language, people have different accents from the North to South, sometimes we can’t understand each other.

The only reason that might turn you off is the hassle. Beggars, peddlers will attack you everywhere. Vietnam has the worst customer services. In India or Nepal, they will hassle you as well, but they won’t get mad at you if you don’t buy their stuff. But in Vietnam, they will shout and scream at you as if you are the one who cheats them. A friend of mine told me that even though Vietnam is very beautiful, it’s the country that leaves him the worst impression and he tries his best to warn his friends not to go there. As a traveler, I understand how he feels and I feel ashamed for that.

To be honest, one week after moving to Kathmandu, I’m still questioning myself what the hell I’m doing here in this freezing Himalayan cold. My plan to work on a fundraising marathon in the next 3 months grows dimmer and dimmer everyday as I’m unable to put my hands out of blanket to actually work. It has reached such a point that today, I was feeling so depressed that I decided to call my new friend Asher expecting that his Jewish wisdom would give me some motivation.

- I’m screwed. Hell lot of unmet deadlines and I can’t concentrate on anything.

- Well, in this case, the best is to use Fuck it strategy.

- What?

- Just say Fuck it, shut down your computer, go out and have some fun.

And that’s exactly what I did.

Asher called his friends and 4 of us, riding on 2 senile motorbikes, wormed our way through the notorious traffic jam of Kathmandu for almost 1 hour before we reached the promised land – a local restaurant in the middle of nowhere where they serve local snack and the famous Nepali rice beer (chhaang). This is a small house built in the middle of the rice field with an interesting interior design that allows customers to sit wherever they like: in the room, on the stairway or even in the attic. From the roof where we sat, one could see as far as his eyesight allows as there is nothing to block the way. Hens freely strolled in the front yard and crows on the roof. A peaceful feeling overwhelmed my heart. Everything was going smoothly when suddenly the doctor friend got a emergency call from the clinic he works for. He looked confused for few seconds before turning off his phone and said:

- Fuck it.

Man, Fuck it strategy is the best! Had he not thought straight and decided to go back, we 3 would have troubles getting back to the city with only 1 bike.

We ordered chhaang and rosy (Nepali vodka) with all kinds of Nepali snacks: soya, chilli dried buff, smashed potato, fried eggs with lentil, fish, bamboo shoot. The wind, the scenery and the alcohol made me kind of tipsy. I spotted a cage with long red strips hanging inside.

- It’s chilli, right?

- No, it’s meat. – said Binoy, the other friend.

- Can we steal it?

- We can order to have it roasted right now.

- No, she wants to steal it. – Thanks Asher, you know me well. It’s not fun when you buy. Challenges make things look much better.

- It’s locked.

- I can try. You watch out for me.

I walked to the cage, carefully sneaked my fingers inside and pulled out a small piece. The rest prepared today Kantipur paper to wrap it, in order to sneak it out of the restaurant later on.

- More. – demanded them.

I repeated the stealing act for few more times until we got like 200g of dried meat. We couldn’t help laughing when Asher meticulously wrapped the meat and put it in his pocket. We looked like professional thieves.

- How much does it cost? – asked Asher.

- Around 100Rs. Probably less.

- We should tip them 100Rs.

- No. – Binoy opposed strongly – Nobody tips in Nepal. It’s weird.

I have to explain that it’s a very uncommon act to tip in Nepal. Restaurants usually charge a fixed percent of 10 or 15% for service charge. I once had a very embarrassing experience when I first checked in my hotel. The bellboy brought my luggage up to my room and I gave him 100Rs as a tip. He gave me the strange look as if I just offended him:

- What is it for?

- Nothing. – I quickly ran into my room, slammed the door behind to hide my blush. I never tip him again since then.

So we left with the loot, feeling extremely naughty. In our defense, it’s necessary to commit a harmless crime once in a while, to know that you are still human.

We got back to the city and gathered at Sam’s bar – a nice place where everybody can sit around a bonfire. We plucked a twig from a bamboo on the balcony of the bar and roasted the meat. Sam’s bar customers had a good show that day to see two jerks running around the bonfire, trying to convince themselves that the over-burnt ash-covered meat actually tasted good. We ended the day with a visit to Crazy Burgers.

I came back to my hotel, feeling happy and productive – at least I got my hands out of the blanket and typed this blog post. Fuck it strategy works. Jewish wisdom never fails.

***PS: This is a vegetarian post with no photo. I lost my camera somewhere in India 2 weeks ago.

1. When in India.

If they agree, they shake head. If they disagree, they shake head. If they don’t understand, they shake head.

2. When you ask the way.

If they know, they show you the way. If they don’t, they still show you the way. If you ask: “Are you sure?”, they shake head.

3. When you eat out.

If you don’t tell them not to put chilli, they put chilli. If you tell them not to put chilly, they still put chilli. If you point out, they say: “This chilli is not s-pi-ceee.”

4. When you go street shopping.

The price is 1000Rs. If you pay 1000Rs, you get it. If you pay 500Rs, you also get it. If you pay 250Rs, you still get it.

5. When you drive.

If it’s green light, they sometimes go ahead and sometimes stop. If it’s red light, they sometimes stop and sometimes go ahead. If they are caught by police, they sometimes pay fine and most of the time bribe.

6. When you are a tourist.

A guy approaches to ask if you need help. If you say Yes, he follows you. If you say No, he says “It’s ok” and still follows you. In the end, he asks for money for stalking you around.

7. When you use mobile.

If you activate a value added service, it is activated. If you don’t activate the service, it is still activated. If you want to deactivate the service, you have to send an SMS. It costs.

8. When you go to a group meeting

If you come on time, you will have to wait. If you come 30mins late, you will still have to wait. If you come 1 hour late, they already changed to another location without informing you.

—

Oops, I planned to make it 10 but it seems like Indians are better than I thought

I’d been for long asking myself the question: If Christianity has priests, Buddhism has monks, so what does Hindu have?

The answer is far from satisfying. In fact, it makes me even more clueless, and crave for more. The “holy men” of Hindu are called Sadhu. They eat human flesh and have sex with corpses (To be verified). According to Wikipedia, “There are 4 or 5 million sadhus in India today and they are still widely respected: revered for their holiness, sometimes feared for their curses”.

My first acknowledgement of Sadhu came from the book “Holy Cow” of Sarah McDonald (It’s basically a street book I picked for the author’s twisted sense of humor and the outrageous name. It has no literature value, yet provides bunches of useful information about Indian culture.) In this book, the author described her first encounter with a Aghori sadhu. She was cursed and fell fatally sick. The sadhu comes out of her vivid writing as a kind of disgusting, savage Indian wizard who lives in a cemetery, drinks water from skulls, stays naked and has freezing eyes (no wonder why she was cursed). Since I generally consider her writing as biased, I didn’t put much thoughts on it, until yesterday.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure to have 3-hour-dinner with Robinson Johnson from Travelguru.com. Sadhu was once again brought up on the table to neutralize awesome fried chicken.

“I once met a sadhu. He looked into my eyes and said: ‘Most people who come to me either are scared of me or want to make use of me. But you come to me with pure heart. You can ask me anything you want.’ So I asked him to show me the ghost. You know, sadhus carry ghosts around with them.”

“Did you see the ghost?”

“Well, he asked me what I think about ghost. Ghost is actually energy, it’s like an overcharged cloud. He can show me, but this energy is so powerful that it will disturb my vitality and make me sick.”

“He is smart.”

“Yeah, he graduated from Cambridge and speaks 7 languages.”

“What? Then why did he become a sadhu?” (Mental thoughts: He must have studied too much, or job market in India is simply too competitive nowadays.)

“He said that sadhus were born, not made. When he was 2 years old, he knew that he was a sadhu. You or I can’t become a sadhu.”

“There must be some ritual to make him a sadhu?”

“Yeah, he had to walk all the way from Kolkata to Gingotri, some places in Himalaya, around 2000km away.” – Robin continued with a long story about how this Cambridge sadhu met a girl who was raped then murdered by her husband and his friends on her wedding, and how he helped the girl find her lost bracelet. It’s a very typical story in Liaozhai Zhiyi. You can find stories like that everywhere in China or Vietnam.

“Is it true that they eat corpses?”

“They even have sex with corpses.”

“How?”

“It’s their ritual. Once a year, they have to eat a small piece of human flesh. They also have to steal a corpse of an unknown woman, in a mortuary or anywhere, to have sex with. They don’t do it out of morbid desire, but as an offer to God and to create connection with the Dead.”

“Do they eat it raw?”

“Oh no. Do you know in some places, like Varanasi, they burn a lot of corpses everyday. They eat from there.”

“Do they do it on a special date?”

“That I don’t know.”

“I want to meet a sadhu. Do you keep in touch with this guy?”

“No, sadhus don’t keep in touch with anyone. But if you really want to meet a sadhu, the sadhu will show up.”

I kinda feel goosebump. I don’t know if I really want to meet a sadhu or not, I don’t want to be cursed.

But I think I do.

***Sadhus have a huge gathering every 3 years called Kumbh Mela – “the largest gathering of human beings for a single religious purpose on the planet”. It just happened few months ago which means I’ll have to wait for 3 more years. It seems like sadhus don’t want to meet me